New Perspective

Just came back from Amber's wedding - was exquisite! Also combined the trip with a day at corporate - feeling so inspired now!

While I was travelling, I finally had some time to reflect. Thought about Logan, grieved a bit, I'm sure there's more to come. Also had to deal with Vinny sending flurries of text messages about how much he loves me, is so sad and lonely, please come home, work it out, etc, ad nauseum. Really just pushed me away even more. Desperation is so unappealing.

Last night, I came across a few old journals. Was shocked to see how much anger, bitterness and resentment I had, even 5-6 years ago. Some floodgates opened, I suppose there will be more of that also.

Today I realize that Vinny's requests of reconciliation are all self-centered. He wants me to go back so that everything will be OK for HIM. If he truly loves me without condition or restriction, he would want what's best for ME, and what makes ME happy.

So, now that I made this breakthrough, I feel much less guilty about standing up for myself.

A New Chapter Begins

Things have been a mess,

living out of boxes for a few days....

...but now it's feeling more like home!

I feel SO good about everything.

What took me so long?

Tick Tock!

TOMORROW!

and I'm in Last-Minute-Frenzy mode!

ShitShow!

Four days! tick tock, tick tock...

Vinny just adopted a Golden Retriever a couple of days ago. Baron is an awesome dog, but Shadow doesn't think so. Then again, Shadow doesn't like ANY other dogs besides Chip.

We introduced them outside, on leashes, and walked them around the yard. Things went pretty well, as long as we Humans controlled the situation.

After about an hour, we finally went inside. A few minutes later, Vinny thought it would be a good idea to let Baron and Shadow off-leash, and "just see what happens." I refused. He insisted. OK, fine.

Less than 10 seconds later, Shadow nipped Baron, and Baron ran to Vinny, crying and yowling. Vinny got mad at Shadow, and I got mad at Vinny. We've been living with Shadow for 2.5 years. Did he really think that Shadow would respond differently? Did he not hear me for the whole past week, saying "we need to keep them separated" ????

So now we are keeping them separated. It's breaking my heart, because I can see that Chip & Shadow feel pushed aside. I have now moved into the spare room, so they can still sleep next to me. But they are Sad Dogs, and I have no way to explain to them that it's just for a few days.

Also, this morning, Zorro got in Baron's way, and Vinny ended up with a shredded arm. I need to get my cats and dogs into the Little Farmhouse ASAP.

10 days and counting!

Farewell Old Friend

Logan

Thank you for finding me, and sharing your life

You have always been exceptional

and so brave

~~~

9.15.10

I might have a stroke...

...if things get delayed by another week!

I met the owner at the little farmhouse yesterday, to go inside & take a look around now that its empty, take measurements, gauge what needs to be done...

Status: FAIL

Prior tenant did not leave the key, or her new phone number / address. She is actually paid thru the 15th.

Owner will give her until the 15th to bring back the key, then maybe change the locks in a day or so after that.

Next tasks:
~sign & make a copy of the lease agreement
~schedule utilities (gas & electric, maybe garbage too)
~have check prepared for deposit and/or 1st month
~continue to get boxes & pack during evenings

Once Inside later this week:
~confirm that owner is buying fridge and stove
~check for appliances like dishwasher, microwave
~measure space for washer & dryer
~measure all rooms & doorways (furniture, rugs, etc)
~gauge cleaning supplies needed for paint prep
~when can I have the key?

More Small Steps

Seems like Vinny has moved into the Acceptance stage over the past couple of days. It's a big relief. Now we have things to talk about again - like how to split apart some of the financial responsibilities. Makes me realize how much I love making plans, even if they are difficult ones!

My Recent Accomplishments:
~made announcement to family & friends about this
~went to credit union for near-future financial planning
~opened new account for savings & checking
~submitted paperwork at work
~submitted change of address at Post Office
~started my own car insurance policy
~submitted a transfer of ownership for my own cell phone plan

Still To Do:
~inspect little farmhouse & take measurements
~collect boxes from work, continue to pack
~get owner's opinion on when I should start utilities in my name (gas, electric, etc)

I'm sure there's a thousand other things, but they will materialize as I proceed.

The owner is now wanting to have his "guy" do the painting. That's OK, I guess. Kind of a relief and a disappointment all together.

Polarizing

We haven't really spoken to each other in a couple of days. There just isn't really anything to say. Not even goodbye or goodnight. Just a waiting game, now, until Oct 1.

I spent some of the Labor Day weekend gathering things from the basement, consolidating storage containers, washing the extra set of dishes, laundering a couple of old comforters that I had forgotten about... Started a "staging area" in the spare room, for boxes that I will be packing. I figure I'll use an hour or so each evening to pack & organize over the next 3 weeks.

Last Friday, I started working on some of the financial preparation. I opened a brand new account, and met with the loan officer. (Rene is no longer there.) We talked about untangling various loans and the credit card, and I'll find out more over the next few days.

Today I am going to submit some paperwork to Peter, like change of address, direct deposit form, and vacation request for moving day.

I told Mom about all this over the weekend, too. She was shocked, but then supportive. I told her upfront, without being rude, that what I want above all else, from everyone, is to not have opinions or suggestions pushed at me. I do not want other people's extra stuff, and I do not want to discuss the details. I just want to get this over and done, and move forward. And I want to slowly collect my own treasures and furniture. This is all very important to me, and it is the one thing I am asking. Soon I will break the news to the rest of the family.

Lastly, I confirmed over the weekend that Logan has lost the majority of his eyesight. He bumped into Chip and Trin while he was moving around in his room. I am certain that he has discomfort every day, but he is not yet suffering. However, now that he is virtually blind, and well on his way to becoming disabled, I will be making another great decision very soon. I am deeply concerned that a strange new environment will be terrifying for him. What if he is unable to make the adjustment? It is now crossing my mind that when the time comes to move him into my little farmhouse, maybe I should just bring him to the vet instead, to be put to sleep. I will make a final evaluation when the time comes, but I am trying to loosely plan for what lies ahead.


This is the rose I'd like to plant for him, when the time comes.

Illogical

Apparently, Vinny is so attached to the house that he is willing to try to keep it on his own. This is just not going to work. He is quite resourseful, I'll give him that. But the burden of the $2200/month mortgage is crushing, plus all other expenses that go along with it. If we couldn't handle it toegther, he sure as hell can't do it alone.

He says that all the work we've done means so much to him, that he just can't let it go. Plus, Maverick is buried out in his own Garden, and Vinny won't just leave him there.

Yet... (this kills me) ... once he says goodbye to Chip and Shadow, he doesn't want to see them again.

WTF is that about? He is willing to keep a house he can't afford because that's where we buried the cat, but he is not willing to visit with the dogs, who are alive and well, and who love him very much.

I'll respect his wishes, but I just do not understand the thought process.

Another Step Closer

Moving Day is 1 month away.

Last night I told Vinny that I found a house to rent. It did not go well, but I was honestly expecting worse. Had to keep reminding myself not to get hooked into debating every tiny point, every tiny question, etc. That just derails the convo.

Kept my reasoning focused on:
1. mismanagement of money for over 10 years
2. I'm very unhappy, only half-alive
3. want to be alone, all by myself, start over
4. the affair

He says I'm crumbling, running away, taking the easy way out.

I told him I'm finally standing up for myself, and telling him in advance. I could have just up and left with no warning.

Little Farmhouse

Finally! I have a solid plan! I met an ex-coworker for drinks a few weeks ago, and this whole topic came up. (Funny how tequilla can do that.) Suddenly, it occurred to me - her inlaws own a house that they rent, and the property is adjacent to my friend's house. She said that particular one is not available, but... the inlaws own a different house in town that has a tenant who will be moving soon.

Long story short: We made arrangements to see it, and I love it!

The scoop: The current tenant has lived there for 20 years. She is older, and is having great difficulty with the stairs, and has found a single-level place elsewhere. Everything is very clean, barely worn, but outdated. Owners will supply all new kitchen appliances, new linoleum tile flooring, and paint. (Of course, I volunteered to paint, cuz I like that stuff.)

It is a small 2 bedroom farmhouse on the north end of town. 6.6 miles from work. Has a nice backyard, plenty big enough for the dogs. It also has a 3-season porch across the front of the house, which might prove to be the best feature. Fuel is natural gas, so no oil tank to worry about. Owners will arrange for lawncare and snow removal, which is another big relief. All I have to do is look after myself and scoop up the dog poop.

All this for $700 / month. That's less than I was paying for my condo 7 years ago, and 1/3 of my current mortgage. I am so excited! And so terrified at the same time...

So the current tenant is moving out around Labor Day. Then I will have 2 weeks to paint, etc. And I'll move in Oct 1. That is 8 weeks away. Time to break this news to Vinny, and make more plans.

There

I did it. I finally told Vinny that I want to leave.
Didn't go well, obviously, but went about as well as I had hoped.

I am exhausted. Still much more to discuss.

I Must Be Mental

Recently I changed primary care physicians. My old doctor was a weird little man and I didn't like him. I found another doctor within that same group, and I did like him, but he left the group. Eventually, I found my new doctor. He is a funny Jewish doctor, and I do like him.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a general checkup, then he sent me for bloodwork. I surprised myself by having an emotional breakdown during my appt. It started when I expressed frustration about not being able to lose weight, despite repeated efforts. Mentioned having depression years ago, prescriptions, etc, leading to weight gain. Once the tears started, things just snowballed, and it was not a good scene.

Yesterday was my follow-up appt. Dr. Wolf made a joke about not being able to make any money off me, because all blood tests were perfect. We talked a bit about the issues I'm facing: difficult time at home for many months, impending breakup of marriage, lots of planning for unknown outcomes, etc.

Then he got serious, and said, in his opinion, I am having anxiety, and compulsiveness. He understands my propensity to weight gain, and would prescribe something appropriate. But only if I feel that I am struggling to manage on my own.

I was surprised by the Anxiety / Compulsion. So I did a little research. Here is what I feel applies to me:

Anxiety may occur based on a real situation, but may be out of proportion to what would normally be expected. Severe anxiety can have a serious impact on daily life.

Generalized anxiety disorder: Excessive, unrealistic, and difficult to control worry over a period of at least six months. Those who endure this condition experience numerous worries that are more often on the mind of the sufferer than not. Those worries interfere with the person's ability to sleep or otherwise function. When the cause is psychological, the underlying cause needs to be discovered and, if possible, eliminated or controlled. It's associated with the following: easily tired, trouble concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, sleep problems. Yeah, I got that.

Obsessive compulsive disorder: Individuals with this condition suffer from intrusive and distressing thoughts (obsessions) or engage in irresistible, often repetitive behaviors / thoughts (compulsions).

Anxiety Management:
Visualize: successfully facing and conquering the specific fear
Talking with a supportive person
Deep-breathing exercises
Excercise & Sun to encourage melanin
Prescription to encourage seratonin

Follow-up: Anxiety should be addressed and treated with your doctor. Establish an ongoing relationship. By encouraging your doctor's familiarity with you and by having follow-up on a regular basis, you may cope with your problems and resolve them more effectively.

Dr. Wolf also said that depression can last for 12 to 20 years. I told him I don't have that constant black ice-cold hole in my chest anymore, and it took me quite a few years to shake that inoxerable dread. I don't think that's a current problem here, but I do need to monitor those feelings if I think they are starting to surface again.

Suspense....

Since my last post, I found a weird little house on Woodland Ave, blazingly cheap. Dad came to look at it, and found too many problems. Back to square 1.

Later, I found a gem in the rough on Spring Street. Dad looked at that one too, and actually went to his credit union with the proposal! I could not believe he was willing to buy a house in his name, though I will be making all the payments, etc. The overall plan is for me to "buy" it from him when I get through all this mess and I am eliglible for a mortgage again.

However....

His credit union is less likely to agree to a regular loan, since this will not be his primary residence. They are more likely to agree to an "investment" loan, which requires 15% down plus all fees, etc. That is just far too much money for me to accumulate in a very short time.

But....

This is not a final answer, but it is what the loan officer advised is most likely. The loan officer is actually going to bring this proposal before the board of directors so they can make a decision as a committee.

I hate waiting. I hate that I have zero control over this outcome. I'm still preparing myself to move back with Dad.

Housing Dilemma Resolved

4/3/10 - Dad says he is willing to help me buy that house on Columbus Ave.

4/5/10 - I contact the agency handling the house, and I find out that there is water / mold damage. It can be sold only with cash or a rehab loan.

I guess I'll be moving in with Dad.

At least this gives me time to put myself in the best situation possible to buy again on my own .... much much much later.

Conflicting Views

Something that I've been struggling with during this whole process is my viewpoint.

Some days I feel as though I just give up. I give up this committment that I've made to marriage, the house, my gardens, and basically the whole life I've made. There are so many facets of my world that I love, and it breaks my heart to let it all go.

Other days I feel as though I am learning how to take control of myself. I'm beginning to take a stand for my own thoughts and feelings. I'm ready to make my own decisions about everything now. My home, my money, my dogs, even my likes and dislikes. I'm ready to create a new world for myself, with the opportunity for a better outcome than what I predict from married life.

And it scares the crap out of me. It also fills me with thrilling anticipation.

I heard something today that stopped me dead in my tracks:
"Don't make a wishbone where your backbone should be."

I guess it is really that simple.

Next Steps

Here are the next few things I need to address:

• tell Vinny that I'm going to move out.
• contact attorney about short sale
• contact attorney about mediation
• begin to separate finances (bank accts, credit card, etc)
• implement 90-day plan, target date to be July 1

A Small Leap

Now that I'm back from my training trip to California, I've had to really get myself back to this whole issue. Last week, I was browsing online (yet again) for housing updates. I noticed the old house on Columbus was reduced for the second time, down a total of 14% from original list price.

I spent a couple of days formulating my plan. Yesterday, I took a small leap and called Dad.

I quickly (ok, barely) explained that things with Vinny and me are just not working out.

Then I moved on to the plan. Told him that the way I see it, I have 4 options in the very near future, considering I can't maintain my house by myself. To summarize: Move to Dad's, move to Jen's, rent from Weird Lady at work, or convince Dad to help me buy the house on Columbus.

I sent him the links to Weird Lady's House and Columbus Ave, and we talked a bit about each option. About Columbus Ave, I proposed that on paper, he would buy it or cosign it, but in the checkbook, I would be making all payments.... etc. About moving to Dad's, he said he would love to have me stay for awhile, even with the Herd, and he'd back me up as much as I need. (Dads always know the right thing to say, and mean it.) About moving to Jen's, he agreed that it could help Jen tremendously, but I am still leery about her dragging me down. And about the Weird Lady's house, neither of us are too thrilled about that, with emphasis on keeping work life and personal life separate.

I was pretty clear about my preference of wanting to be by myself, but I do understand that I may have to forfeit that preference for awhile. The priority will be to work myself into a position to get to that point.

That being said, I asked him to consider the Columbus Ave house for a few days. If he is open to moving in that direction, we could schedule an appt and see the place in person. If it is decent enough, and he feels comfortable helping to buy it, then I would in turn buy it from him when I am able to have a loan on my own.

If that doesn't work out, at any point in the plan, then I'll most likely move back with Dad. It is the most secure option. But I worry about all the animals, and the drive to work is kind of long.

Flashes

OK, I promised myself that I would not dwell on the affair, or allow myself to wallow in .... whatever .... until I move on and have some time and space separating me and all this baggage.

But things rarely go according to plan.

Flash back to the day Vinny told me what he did: He insinuated that it was just a thing, not something he planned, just happened, etc. Silly me, I assumed at the time that it happened only went he made his second trip to Canada close to Christmas.

Flash forward to a news article I saw today, entitled "Tiger's Thanksgiving Incident" or something like that. *click-click-click* Suddenly another fact surfaced: Vinny had also told me that he hated hearing about the whole Tiger Woods scandal because it was a constant, daily reminder of what he had done. And he made his first trip to Canada just before Thanksgiving.

So he did it more than once. I had wondered why he scheduled a second trip so quickly. Didn't think he wanted to see his dad again that bad.

I am just disgusted. Can't believe I didn't figure this out sooner.

Also, Sue told me today that she is showing her house to someone on Sunday. I had kinda been counting on the fact that it's such a dump that no one would make an offer. I hope I'm still right. I'd like to move approximately mid-summer, like July or August. I also realized that Jen may not be able to keep her house that long. Feels like I'm standing on marbles and they're starting to slide out from under me.

Assignment: Living Arrangements

• stay in my house, find a roommate
*risk: this mortgage has already crippled me
*risk: staying here will ensure no future savings, ever
*risk: crazy person, becomes incompatible
*risk: periods of time with no roommate, reducing my income
+reward: stay in my own house
+reward: provides enough money to survive

• move in with Dad
*risk: difficult with cats & dogs
*risk: he will make me crazy, resentful
+reward: best way to save money, while still contributing
+reward: someone home for dogs all day
+reward:

• move in with Jen
*risk: she's mental, she might drag me down
+reward: good for cats & dogs (fenced-in yard)
+reward: I can help her keep her house
+reward: has real garage
-other: I'll have to keep her motivated & moving forward, not allowing her to wallow and stagnate

• rent from Sue at work (she lives elsewhere)
*risk: opportunity will disappear if she sells her house
*risk: I don't want to form close bonds with her
+reward: I will be on my own, maybe option to buy
-other: that place is a dump, not best location, but not worst
-other: would need improvement, stupid to pour money into something that is not yours

I have a lot to think about.

Assignment: Split Finances

• take my name off Credit Union credit card
• take my name off joint account
• Vinny's truck loan moves to his account - 24 late fees over last 38 months!!!! unacceptable

Assignment: Real Estate Options

• SlumLord Plan - multi-family house as second stream of income
• find a roommate..... :(
• buy a dirt-cheap little dump, under $100,000, if short sale is possible on my house

• consult with Karen at Calcagni, consult with an attorney who specializes in short sale

2/22/10 - Karen referred me to Don Brown, attorney specializing in Short Sales. He crunched some numbers and said there is no way I can be approved to take on a new mortgage while I still have this one on my current house. Blech. Not what I wanted to hear.

Karen said to look again at what options I can find with family. Financial pressure of mortgage / rent can be relieved (while I still contribute.... no freeloading!). Once my credit recovers from the Shart Sale damage (3-4 years), I will be in a position to think with a clear head, and make better decisions. By then, I'll be able to buy something better than a little dump or a slumlord property.

Assignment: Mediate

• define the difference between mediation and traditional divorce
• search for mediation services
• cost
• develop a timeframe

Assignment: Short Sale

• better than foreclosure, but no guarantee of success (lender must agree, buyer must be found)
• the amount of the shortage will be treated as income, on a 1099-c, so the amount is taxable.
• must have an attorney for this. CPA also a good idea.

Assignments

I kept my appointment with Rene at the Credit Union last Friday. She was very helpful in suggesting options, but most importantly, she gave strong indication that purchasing another house is not out of the question. But it has to be done while I still have this house in good standing.

I really just glossed over the reason behind all this. I just told her that things are not working out and that Vinny and I would be splitting up. I said it has been a long time coming to this point, and lately some things have changed, and now it's time. She didn't press the issue.

But she did say that you can't just keep putting things off. She was married for 17 yrs, and then her mom died. She had lots of plans, but never even made it to retirement - she developed a cancer and was gone in 6 months. "Life is too short - make the most of it every day!" I seem to be noticing that message a lot lately. So Rene called it quits and moved on with her life. I never knew that about her.

1. Learn about Short Sales for homes. Pro's and con's.

2. Try to Mediate a divorce instead of hiring attorneys - far less expensive!

3. Save money! I'll need approx 6,000 - 9,000 for downpayments, fees, etc.

4. Talk to Dad - would he co-sign?

5. Possible to rent out my house? Research comparable rentals.

6. Purchase multi-family house and be a slumlord? Research risk / reward, potential extra income

7. If I decide on Foreclosure, will my new house be at risk?

Valentine's Day

What a weird day. Like just going through the motions.

We exchanged cards, and thought about going out to dinner. I've been feeling run-down for the past couple of weeks, so we didn't go.

I did take a nap. Been a long time since I did that.

Time to Think

OK, I've given myself some time to think things over. It is clear to me that "coincidence" is a weak concept for what has recently happened.

My decision was to start a blog about new directions in my life. I was thinking along the lines of my new job, my efforts in designing jewelry, and things like that.

Later that same evening, my husband decided to tell me that he had an affair.

So now I have recovered from being blindsided. I really don't have all my feelings sorted out about that yet. I still care about him deeply. But for a long, long time, I guess it has been more like a "roommate" scenario than a marriage. And we've both been stuck in that rut.

But some things are clear to me. This is my catalyst for making my own way in the world. I am 35 years old, and I am sick and tired of bailing out a (financially) sinking ship. I've been sacrificing my own goals for over 10 years now, and I am done with that.

Vinny wants to try to work things out, of course, and has agreed to go to counselling. I guess I should have been more clear about my position, but he was so crushed already that I just couldn't do it. I know it will be out in the open pretty soon. I know that I'm going to be OK. But I'm not so sure about him.

During the past 10 days, I decided that I need my own place. Vinny seems to think that I could stay in the house, but I don't want that big mortgage payment anymore. I want a small mortgage that leaves me plenty of money for saving, investing, etc.

I thought about renting, but my credit is destroyed, and I will have 2 dogs and 4 cats. He's going to have to take the other 3 cats, a.k.a the "minions."

Last week, I called Calcagni Realtors after seeing a house online. We talked for a bit about my life changes, and I told her that I understand this is a long term process. She agrees that I am not ready right now. I'd like to be in a new place by the end of the year. That gives me 10-11 months to get things done. In reality, I think it will take longer. A huge issue - that I put right out in the open - is that we are so far underwater on our house right now that I don't even know what to do. We owe $253,000. Houses in our neighborhood have recently sold for $120,000, $130,000 and $157,000. That is terrifying.

Karen (the realtor) advised me that I need to go talk to my bank. She said that they could lay out possible options, and that might help guide my decisions and schedule. She was very nice, and professional at the same time. So far, I like her. She set up a basic property search for me, based on location, so I could start studying the current market. I understand that offerings will be different by the time I am finally ready to buy, but this will help to keep me updated on things, and keep me motivated.

My appointment with Rene at the Credit Union is this afternoon. I have a copy of a recent mortgage statement and today's paystub. I know that I am in a very bad situation with the house, and I have appalling credit history. But I have 2 things going for me: I have been a member of the credit union for over 10 years, and I have a very good job now. I'm making more money in an entry position than I ever did when I worked in commercial printing. Plus, next November I will be eligible for the profit sharing program.

I am nervous about this. Over the past 10 days, I have had flashes of fear and anxiety. But I have also had hope and anticipation. I love the idea of buying a little dumpy house and renovating it. I love the thrill of finding a property and envisioning the possibilities. I am looking forward to having a place of my own, with my dogs, my own garden, only my things in the house.... Maybe it sounds selfish, but that vision is what keeps me going right now.

For Real

There I am in my first entry, talking about fresh starts, etc.

How was I to know things could change so much, so fast, in just a couple of hours?

Here's to my fresh start.

Do I have what it takes? I'm so scared.

First Entry

Might as well explain the name "Viridian Origins."

I feel as though I am at the beginning of many new experiences in my life. Within the past year, I have started a new job in a new (to me) industry. I have discovered a new pasttime, and I wonder if anything will come of it. My gardens around my house are finally beginning to take shape, and the progress inspires me to continue with improvements. So, many new beginnings - Origins!

Viridian is from the Latin viridis, meaning green. More precisely, viridian is a soft, dark shade of spring green. What description could be more refreshing? There are so many associations with the color green: New life, currency, fresh start, etc. Plus, I like the cadance of the word!