Time to Think

OK, I've given myself some time to think things over. It is clear to me that "coincidence" is a weak concept for what has recently happened.

My decision was to start a blog about new directions in my life. I was thinking along the lines of my new job, my efforts in designing jewelry, and things like that.

Later that same evening, my husband decided to tell me that he had an affair.

So now I have recovered from being blindsided. I really don't have all my feelings sorted out about that yet. I still care about him deeply. But for a long, long time, I guess it has been more like a "roommate" scenario than a marriage. And we've both been stuck in that rut.

But some things are clear to me. This is my catalyst for making my own way in the world. I am 35 years old, and I am sick and tired of bailing out a (financially) sinking ship. I've been sacrificing my own goals for over 10 years now, and I am done with that.

Vinny wants to try to work things out, of course, and has agreed to go to counselling. I guess I should have been more clear about my position, but he was so crushed already that I just couldn't do it. I know it will be out in the open pretty soon. I know that I'm going to be OK. But I'm not so sure about him.

During the past 10 days, I decided that I need my own place. Vinny seems to think that I could stay in the house, but I don't want that big mortgage payment anymore. I want a small mortgage that leaves me plenty of money for saving, investing, etc.

I thought about renting, but my credit is destroyed, and I will have 2 dogs and 4 cats. He's going to have to take the other 3 cats, a.k.a the "minions."

Last week, I called Calcagni Realtors after seeing a house online. We talked for a bit about my life changes, and I told her that I understand this is a long term process. She agrees that I am not ready right now. I'd like to be in a new place by the end of the year. That gives me 10-11 months to get things done. In reality, I think it will take longer. A huge issue - that I put right out in the open - is that we are so far underwater on our house right now that I don't even know what to do. We owe $253,000. Houses in our neighborhood have recently sold for $120,000, $130,000 and $157,000. That is terrifying.

Karen (the realtor) advised me that I need to go talk to my bank. She said that they could lay out possible options, and that might help guide my decisions and schedule. She was very nice, and professional at the same time. So far, I like her. She set up a basic property search for me, based on location, so I could start studying the current market. I understand that offerings will be different by the time I am finally ready to buy, but this will help to keep me updated on things, and keep me motivated.

My appointment with Rene at the Credit Union is this afternoon. I have a copy of a recent mortgage statement and today's paystub. I know that I am in a very bad situation with the house, and I have appalling credit history. But I have 2 things going for me: I have been a member of the credit union for over 10 years, and I have a very good job now. I'm making more money in an entry position than I ever did when I worked in commercial printing. Plus, next November I will be eligible for the profit sharing program.

I am nervous about this. Over the past 10 days, I have had flashes of fear and anxiety. But I have also had hope and anticipation. I love the idea of buying a little dumpy house and renovating it. I love the thrill of finding a property and envisioning the possibilities. I am looking forward to having a place of my own, with my dogs, my own garden, only my things in the house.... Maybe it sounds selfish, but that vision is what keeps me going right now.