There

I did it. I finally told Vinny that I want to leave.
Didn't go well, obviously, but went about as well as I had hoped.

I am exhausted. Still much more to discuss.

I Must Be Mental

Recently I changed primary care physicians. My old doctor was a weird little man and I didn't like him. I found another doctor within that same group, and I did like him, but he left the group. Eventually, I found my new doctor. He is a funny Jewish doctor, and I do like him.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a general checkup, then he sent me for bloodwork. I surprised myself by having an emotional breakdown during my appt. It started when I expressed frustration about not being able to lose weight, despite repeated efforts. Mentioned having depression years ago, prescriptions, etc, leading to weight gain. Once the tears started, things just snowballed, and it was not a good scene.

Yesterday was my follow-up appt. Dr. Wolf made a joke about not being able to make any money off me, because all blood tests were perfect. We talked a bit about the issues I'm facing: difficult time at home for many months, impending breakup of marriage, lots of planning for unknown outcomes, etc.

Then he got serious, and said, in his opinion, I am having anxiety, and compulsiveness. He understands my propensity to weight gain, and would prescribe something appropriate. But only if I feel that I am struggling to manage on my own.

I was surprised by the Anxiety / Compulsion. So I did a little research. Here is what I feel applies to me:

Anxiety may occur based on a real situation, but may be out of proportion to what would normally be expected. Severe anxiety can have a serious impact on daily life.

Generalized anxiety disorder: Excessive, unrealistic, and difficult to control worry over a period of at least six months. Those who endure this condition experience numerous worries that are more often on the mind of the sufferer than not. Those worries interfere with the person's ability to sleep or otherwise function. When the cause is psychological, the underlying cause needs to be discovered and, if possible, eliminated or controlled. It's associated with the following: easily tired, trouble concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, sleep problems. Yeah, I got that.

Obsessive compulsive disorder: Individuals with this condition suffer from intrusive and distressing thoughts (obsessions) or engage in irresistible, often repetitive behaviors / thoughts (compulsions).

Anxiety Management:
Visualize: successfully facing and conquering the specific fear
Talking with a supportive person
Deep-breathing exercises
Excercise & Sun to encourage melanin
Prescription to encourage seratonin

Follow-up: Anxiety should be addressed and treated with your doctor. Establish an ongoing relationship. By encouraging your doctor's familiarity with you and by having follow-up on a regular basis, you may cope with your problems and resolve them more effectively.

Dr. Wolf also said that depression can last for 12 to 20 years. I told him I don't have that constant black ice-cold hole in my chest anymore, and it took me quite a few years to shake that inoxerable dread. I don't think that's a current problem here, but I do need to monitor those feelings if I think they are starting to surface again.

Suspense....

Since my last post, I found a weird little house on Woodland Ave, blazingly cheap. Dad came to look at it, and found too many problems. Back to square 1.

Later, I found a gem in the rough on Spring Street. Dad looked at that one too, and actually went to his credit union with the proposal! I could not believe he was willing to buy a house in his name, though I will be making all the payments, etc. The overall plan is for me to "buy" it from him when I get through all this mess and I am eliglible for a mortgage again.

However....

His credit union is less likely to agree to a regular loan, since this will not be his primary residence. They are more likely to agree to an "investment" loan, which requires 15% down plus all fees, etc. That is just far too much money for me to accumulate in a very short time.

But....

This is not a final answer, but it is what the loan officer advised is most likely. The loan officer is actually going to bring this proposal before the board of directors so they can make a decision as a committee.

I hate waiting. I hate that I have zero control over this outcome. I'm still preparing myself to move back with Dad.